Ever Had A Stalker?

Yes. I have.

Well, not quite to the extent that is portrayed by Hollywood. I have never had mail sent to me using cut out letters from a newspaper, or anything of the like.

But I have had uncomfortable attention.

I have, several times, wanted to share this story with you, but something made me doubt whether I should, or not. I have decided I will, as I should not feel bad or have any sense of guilt. It is strange to me, and intriguing, that someone involved in an uncomfortable situation, though themselves innocent, should feel some reticence to share that story. So, here it is.

It has been suggested that I am simply a lovely guy, and so attract a lot of people (blush). The odds are simply that a percentage of those people are not too well balanced. It's a numbers game.

Yes, I am open and warm (most of the time). I make an effort to connect with people. Sometimes it backfires.

Many years ago I worked alongside a woman. Initially I thought she was nice. We had the occasional exchange of pleasant conversation, and we seemed to work well together.

Then things started to fall apart. Other people noticed too. I had colleagues approaching me, telling me that something was "off". They told me that this woman would stand and watch me from a distance, for long periods of time, while I worked away, oblivious to the attention I was receiving.

Concerns were also raised with me by my co-workers, as this woman was asking about the specifics of where I lived, what my partner's surname was, and so on.

Her inappropriate behaviour began to escalate.

She would make excuses to come to my department, and tried to get extra shifts in my department when I was working.

One night there had been a last minute change of plan with regards to my rota (long before I was a nurse). Because I was not where I should have been, at that time, this person had asked almost every person working that day, where I was and why I wasn't at my usual post. She knew my shift pattern!

She would ask me questions about myself, my partner and even about our sex life. She tried regularly to engage me in explicit conversation, and tell me details of what she would do with her husband in bed. She crossed the line. She asked me something which was so graphic, I had to ask her why she was thinking of me in those terms. Why would that even be on her mind? The reply was along the lines of her being sorry for me, because I was so easily embarrassed. I was not embarrassed, I simply have boundaries, as many people should have.

I felt it had progressed far enough, and so, to cut a long story short, had to speak to two different managers, on two separate occasions. The questions and overt attention ceased.

I wonder, though, had it been reversed, would the managers' course of action have been any different? Had I, a man, harassed a woman in a similar way, would I have been asked to leave my position? I wonder, because at the time, I remember the initial reaction to my complaint was that it had just been horseplay, and that I, being male, was almost expected to be "okay" with anything dished up to me. Of course, once they investigated properly, they realised my complaint had substance.

It lasted only a few months, and I know other people have a much tougher time with regards unwanted attention. I got off lightly. But it makes me wary of people now. I am still friendly and gregarious, but I do feel myself waver sometimes if someone is particularly nice in return. Yes, I have "trust issues".

Nice is not what people are, Nice is what people do.

Nice is a behaviour, and so, to an extent, a choice. Choices are made in response to an agenda.

More recently, I had an experience that caused me to remember this.


It involved inappropriate behaviour and the giving of unwanted gifts (after meeting, through work, only once).

People are often over-familiar with me. I put this down to, in part, my ability to build rapport quickly, and to engender trust in people. But there are limits.

I was also being told by several sources that this person had a sexual agenda, regardless of the fact that I had made it clear I was in a relationship. When challenged, this person did not deny this agenda, and clearly could not understand why this made me feel uncomfortable.

I nipped it in the bud before it could get any worse.

Have you had unwanted attention? How did you deal with it? Did you have to involve the police?