Today I Almost Died - Damn Cockroaches!

Dramatic title, huh?

Well, only now can I sit and concentrate without shaking or feeling nauseous.

Picture the scene -

I'm walking down my hallway. It's a stinking hot day. I'm feeling a little washed out, you know, with the heat.

I'm not really concentrating. To be honest I don't even know what I was doing before...it happened.

I see CC and Teddy, in unison, investigating something. In my hall there is one of those roller drawers, a space saving device for under the bed. I haven't got round to organising it yet.

The two cats are at one corner of the roller drawer, and visibly their interest and excitement is increasing.Their tails are swishing wildly.

Then Teddy furiously tries to reach for something.

I take a closer look.

And there it is. A fucking huge, eight foot long COCKROACH. It looked straight at me, smirked and ran for it!

I'm not too proud to say I screamed. In fact, Sam later told me I failed to stop screaming. You know, until it was all over.

So what happened?

The dirty monster raced into my bedroom! Of course, it knew this is where I need to feel safest. It's cruel nature now truly revealed to me, I knew I had to do something. Even though I partially left my body, and reportedly was still screaming, I followed it.

I saw one of it's legs disappear under my trousers, that lay on the floor waiting to be washed. Now I understand the fates had devised a plan to provide the evil bastard a place of solace. No! I say no! This day I see Karma is off balance. Justice must be done!

I put on a pair of latex gloves. No judgements people. Every good nurse has some lying around. I wear them for cleaning. Nothing kinky. Your mind went there, not mine!

I carefully picked my way through the trousers. Sam was watching me from the safety of the hall. I tried to recruit Prudence, as she has proven herself to be a wonderfully skilled insect hunter. But she was otherwise engaged. And, sadly, CC and Teddy were not quite up to her standard.

Then the beast appeared, howling loudly with a shrieking laugh, knowing it had the better of me. I suppose the fact I was still screaming may have led to it feeling overtly secure and superior.

I'm sure it even performed some choreography from West Side Story. Cockroaches can be show-off narcissists too.

Under the bed it went. I mean, come on! Why?!

But it had over-thought and overplayed it's hand. Ha!

I had lost track of Sam. I had been focused on not dying.

A looming figure, dark and mysterious, appeared in the door way. I might even have heard something that sounded like the Star Wars theme tune.

Sam leaped forward and swiftly squatted, aiming a large can of...hairspray! His sister and niece had left it following their visit in July.

The cocky was now on the run, but wasn't giving up without a fight. It was here, then there, then under the door of the walk-in wardrobe. Under this and over that, and across the wall...But it was to no avail.

It was well and truly lacquered.

Sam, my hero, collected the body and flushed it.

It might even come back. I've heard stories. It happens.

So off to the shop we went, and 37 cans of bug spray later, I feel strangely content, regardless of now not being able to breathe very well. The poisonous fog is my security blanket, in a country where insects roam freely, own land and have intellectual property rights. I mean, Australia, as beautiful as it is, is a little messed up.

To hell with the ecosystem. Death to bugs!